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Second letter

November 5, 2007

Sometimes people can’t belive in themselves until someone else belives in them first. Baby thats what’s with us.  You’ve made me like myself. It’s amazing. Never thought that would happen. Used to be I would look in the mirror and not know who it was. I wanted to never see that person again. I hated who I saw. I was at a stage in my life where I was having a hard time caring about things.  I tried so hard to please everyone. When I did learn a little more about myself, I knew I would be rejected by the people I knew. So I pretended to be who they thought they knew. I pretended to be happy so I didn’t have to explain myself to people who’ll never understand. I faked happiness all the time and got very good at it. I had a great imaginary world, but I needed to let things happen for real. I didn’t know what was wrong or why I felt the way I did. I do know it was killing me.  Honestly, I still feel that way somtimes. When we started talking, I had this weird feeling of happiness, and you know the classic “my boyfriend just got online, I’m smiling like crazy.“? Well that was me. We weren’t even dating and I was excited to know your online. I was dating him and I think thats sad.

Btw this is for him:
 I’m so pissed at myself. That’s right pissed at myself, not you. I’m pissed for always being nice, always apologizing for things I didn’t do, for getting attached, making you my life, depending on you, wasting my time on you, thinking about you, following you, changing for you, forgiving you, wishing for you, dreaming of you, and most of all for not hating you, which I know I should, but I can’t. I’m not afraid to bleed, but I won’t do it for you.

 Mmkay back to what I was saying.  Honestly, you were the only reason I got on msn. I hate msn, and I got on it cause I wanted to talk to you.  After a while I gave up though. I mean you disapeared from me. By the way never do that again, please. Theres only so many times a girl can be disappointed, before she gives up trying, only so many times a girl can get her heart broken, before she gives up loving, only so many times a girl can get hurt, before she starts crying, theres only so much you can put her through before she stops trusting you. You’ve taught me how to trust myself, and how I should love every flaw.

By the way..
                    I love you



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