Webber-cams

May 15, 2009

 

Yay for webcams (:

 Heh, I need a better lighting system.

Saturday is racing. Hopefully there won’t be much more rain from now on. The weekend is suppose to be nice but so far it doesn’t seem like it will be.  Normally, I wouldn’t mind if it was rainy or not, but I’ve got plans (: After races I’m going to drive back with my grandpa and stay the night with him. Then Sunday morning we are going to get up, get the boat all ready, go to Pamida (its a store around here, like Wal-mart but sucky) get my 1 day out-of-state fishing license,  then head up to a lake and fish all day. Apparently, it’s not just Gramps and me this time. Andy, his little brother, and some guy called Chris are gonna go too.  How will I survive without internet all day?  (lol shut up)  My camera is essensial to make it through the day.  I can talk with Andy, and probably will spend the day talking with him but I need technology..  Oh what have I become..

 

 

 

How long

May 14, 2009

Sorry

May 12, 2009

I am sorry.

Sorry for the cutting.

Sorry for staying alive.

Sorry for the tattered mind.

Sorry for crumbling away.

Sorry for inflicting pain.

Sorry for casting shadows.

 Sorry I like to hide.

Sorry for being scared.

 Sorry I don’t obey.

Sorry I’m a slut.

Sorry I get so much bottled up inside.

Sorry I can’t be good enough.

Sorry I dissapoint you.

Sorry for who I am.

I’m sorry for letting myself stray beyond your reach.

I’m sorry for destroying myself without a thought.

And I’m sorry that I don’t know how to make it all better..

 

new

May 11, 2009

Got a new emails, twitter, youtube, other sites that I can’t think of right now because I’m tired.

I went to races on Saturday. It was pretty nice out, got a little cold later in the evening though. I have missed races a lot but it feel really strange being back at the track, seeing people from my past.. and seeing my dad is really weird because he’s suddenly really nice to me and even though he was nice before, its just a different kind of nice. I love him, and always have (he’s my dad I have to..) but I have never been close with him. Its just strange.

Hanging out with Jessica more lately.  We just keep driving around and talking and its nice, I’ve missed her a lot.  But sometimes those nights we go out really takes a lot out of me.. I’ve become so weak in the past couple years. Too much emotional stress I guess. I started taking vitamins recently and I can’t tell if they are doing any good yet, but we’ll see.  I’ve got:

Vitamin A, Vitamin C, Vitamin D, Vitamin E, Vitamin K, Thiamin, Nicacin, Vitamin B6, Folic Acid, Vitamin B12, Biotin, Pantothenic Acid, Calcium, Iron, Phosphorus, Iodine, Magnesium, Zinc, Selenium, Copper, Manganese, Chromium, Molybdenmum, Chloride, Potassium, Vitamin B1, Vitamin B2, Vitamin B3.. And then I’ve got this fish oil pill, a weird vegetable pill, all along with a anti-depressant..  Hm..

I’m waiting for a download to finish. It’s taking a long time.. It’s been downloading for hours.  D&D online trial for 10 days. It’ll take 10 days to download geez. I’m using a wifi that only has 1 bar.. so everything is slow. 

 Yesterday was Mothers day..  One of my saddest days of the year. I had 2 mothers day messages on Facebook. Sort of depressing considering I want to be a mother more than anything and I lost the chance that I had with my daughter, and now I’m facing never having children because my husband doesn’t want any.  But in any case its all over now until August 1st.

I guess I don’t really have much to blog about. If you actually read all this, your awesome (: 

So..

May 8, 2009

It’s been a while since I have posted on here..  I haven’t really blogged much.. I was asked not to but now I guess I just feel like it. A lot of things have been going on. Um, I went back to Anthony and things were really good, for about a week. His family was gone for that time, and it kind of proves to me that they are our real problem. I know that I could have acted better myself but I didn’t and I do regret it. Anthony did try harder in some areas but I do think that he could have tried in other areas as well.  Anyways, my great-grandmother passed away on April 10th, and I flew up to Iowa again on the same day. I’ve been staying up here ever since because I want to be here for my grandma and stuff happened with Anthony’s parents.

    According to him, they told him to divorce me. If he doesn’t then they will basically cut him off. Great parenting, right? Well I’ve pretty much vowed to myself that if Anthony and I are together or not, I will make her pay.  Pay for fucking up Anthony’s life, Christopher’s life, and her husbands life.  I honestly think that if Tony had never met her his life would have been a lot better, but if that happened then Anthony and Christopher wouldn’t be here.  But I think if she had not been in Anthony or Christopher’s lives then they would have been a lot better off…  I feel bad admitting it but I am sort of wishing death upon her. (Stupid bitch can kiss my ass)  Anthony says he picks me over them.. but wants me to basically do all the things with the family that he won’t do. Most women don’t do as much with their in-laws as I have. I’ve been to more family functions this past year than he has.  I will say that most of the time he was working and couldn’t go..