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Darkness grips my heart

March 5, 2009

I feel like I have no one to go to.  I am in a house and in an area that I have acess to plenty of people who care for me, and will try to help me.. but I feel like I can’t go to them. They have their own problems to deal with, and since I know how much it weighs on them, I would rather not explain more to them. They don’t seem to realzie how bad it is. They know, but don’t see it enough.  I don’t know why I feel this way, and I wish that these feelings would leave me alone. 

I’m just so far gone and nothing is going to change, I’ll never be the same. 

 I’m just so fucked up and I’m never going to change.

 

 

I feel like cutting. I don’t want to because I’m not stupid, I know what it is and how it effects me and everyone around me. But I also can’t seem to stop. I started getting deeper and craving it, dreaming about it, fantasizing about it.  I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I can’t smile for real. I’m lost. I have no life.

Posted by cryingtemptress at 5:03 pm | permalink | Add comment

Live for your heart

March 4, 2009

“Your never promised tomorrow so make the best of today.

Live for you heart and don’t let anyone control it.

Love to be love.”

-Chris Fahey

Posted by cryingtemptress at 6:48 pm | permalink | Add comment

In Emily’s words.. Sad day

February 23, 2009

Today I am sitting in Brittany’s room with Colby, while he plays guitar hero, the areosmith one. Then the song “Beyond Beautiful” comes up.

Colby:  “This song is for you, okay?“

Me:  “Awww….. why..?”

Colby:  “Because..  its beyond beautiful.. and uhm yeah..”

-He plays it-

Colby: “What the fuck.. I only got 4 stars for YOUR song..” -looks at me-  “I tried for you. Let  me redo it?”

 

God. Sweet much?  Yeah.. So then later Kelcie gets back and he’s all over her. Why the hell must he do this to me?

Posted by cryingtemptress at 11:49 am | permalink | Add comment

What happened? - Answering bobbycat’s question.

February 13, 2009

Someone called bobbycat asked me what happened to the daughter I had. So I guess I should, at least on this site, explain what happened, in a very condensed version. 

My ex (her father) abused her, apparently trying to kill her is my guess. I went through DHS and everything trying like hell to get her back. Her father ran off to Mexico shortly after we found out. After a while I decided that, 1. I am not a very emotionaly stable person, and I don’t want my daughter to grow up with a mother who does nothing but cry. 2. I am not exactly finacially stable. 3. She could have a mother AND a father.. She could have a very good home and a very good family and not have to watch her mother struggle like fucking crazy to keep her fed, and alive, let alone keeping herself fed and alive.  Hell, I have a hard enough time making it through a couple hours without thinking of killing myself, is that really good for a baby to be in? So I had a family, that is part of my family, lined up to adopt her since I couldn’t ahve her due to the courts as well.That way, I could still see my beautiful baby. Well the courts turned it around on me and didn’t give her to the family, gave her to someone else. Now I can’t see her or anything.

 

So theres whats happened to her. In case people were wondering. Thank you for the question bobbycat :)

Posted by cryingtemptress at 4:48 pm | permalink | Add comment

So much in my head

February 10, 2009

Chris: Why settle for some one who only cares or wants you some times?

Posted by cryingtemptress at 6:29 pm | permalink | comments[1]
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